Tag Archives: Romance

09.19.13
by

Acceptance ..

I spend a lot of time reading up on the latest relationship research and debates so you don’t have to. One blog post I read recently suggested a couple ‘really gets married’ somewhere around the 5th year after their wedding. So why, I got to wondering, was this?

One answer comes from Harriet Lerner’s wonderful book Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and The Coupled Up, described as “Required reading for anyone hoping to interact successfully with any other human” .. (a great idea for a wedding gift by the way).

Lerner’s Rule #1 (let’s call it the Uber Rule) is Respect Differences!

In the first, hot, part of a relationship we think our partner is perfect in every way, that we are ‘two halves of the same coin’ and other such sayings. But as time goes on this naturally fades, we become more secure in our friendship and start to really show ourselves. Maybe he really likes nothing more than to sit in his tracksuit pants in front of the football, while she is sulking because he used to take her out for dinner on a Saturday night .. and neither understands why things have changed .. and before long a thousand little niggles have convinced each of them ‘this is the wrong person for me’, or “I love him, but I’m not IN LOVE with him”.

Lerner advises that for a loving relationship to flourish we should not:

“.. get too nervous about differences”, or ..

“.. equate closeness with sameness”, and instead “work on staying emotionally close to a partner who thinks and feels differently than you do without needing to convince or otherwise fix [them].”

When couples can accept and celebrate each other as they truly are the marriage really begins. Which is when she can say “Sweetie, I really don’t get football, but I’m happy you’re enjoying the match”, and he says “Honey, put on your best dress, and when the final whistle goes we’re going out on the town”.

Sometimes getting there needs some independent help, a fresh perspective from an outside source. If that’s what you need get in touch with a well qualified and experienced relationship counsellor who should be able to work with you to achieve your relationship goals.

 

09.03.13
by

Tell, Be With, Give, Do or Cuddle?

I get a number of relationship blogs delivered to my email Inbox every day, and to be honest sometimes I hit delete pretty fast as I go through them. This morning though, one email caught my eye, and my imagination, and I clicked through to Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ to see what the fuss was about.

I’d recommend taking a look too and doing the free questionnaire to find your preferred love languages, whether you’re trying to save your marriage, preparing to make a commitment or single. This tool would help in all relationships, particularly with your children and teenagers as they grow and develop their own ‘Love Language’ which may be very different to your own.

It’d be nice if our partners magically knew what we need, and sometimes in the early stages of a relationship it seems that’s the case. But in reality knowing yourself in a relationship is vital to being able to clearly ask your partner for what you need and to make your relationship work. This is a great tool to find out what your partner can do that’ll really make you feel special.

And don’t forget them! Send them the questionnaire and talk about the similarities and differences in your ‘Love Languages’, it might be why they get so much out of a quiet night on the sofa for Date Night, while what lights you up is being read poetry.

Have a go and get in touch to let me know how you get on ..