Tag Archives: relationships

10.15.14
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So .. When Should I Have Sex?

“Making love” is based on the feminine principle of a relationship; the relationship is built on friendship and expressed through sex. “Getting laid” is based on the masculine principle of sharing sexual gratification with a friendly partner.”

– Dr. Patricia Allen

How to have the BEST SEX of your life

Sex. A topic that humans have been interested in since  the beginning of time. Something that happens each and every day.

And yet there is so much confusion about sex. Who to have sex with, when to have sex, am I getting enough sex? And if you get this right the answers will lead to the best sex of your life.

You deserve to have a soulmate whom you love and who loves you. A relationship with passion, and where there’s a real connection.

Oxytocin addict

Oxytocin is a hormone that is released by the pituitary gland when women make love which encourages you to bond to your partner. Oxytocin also helps you relax, reduce blood pressure and lower cortisol levels.

So far so good .. but if you’re tempted to take this shortcut before you’re sure that your partner is worthy of your trust, beware the consequences of feeling bonded to the wrong person, it can literally feel like being addicted! And the pain of splitting up after bonding with the wrong person is horrendous.

Protect yourself from unnecessary pain

Don’t forget, you don’t need sex to stimulate oxytocin. Actions that convey emotional messages of kindness, caring and love also help to release the oxytocin hormone and make you feel good. John Gray writes at length about how women can take responsibility for their own oxytocin levels and avoid feeling the temptation to sleep with someone just to get a quick ‘fix’

How to tell it’s time for the best sex of your life

Great sex is about connection at a deep level with someone who shares your values and cherishes you as a human being. In order to find out if this is the right person to take this step with you can ask yourself the following questions:

What are my fundamental values – what qualities am I looking for in a relationship and a potential life partner? What 5 qualities are absolutely non-negotiable and what am I willing to overlook if these are present?

How long have I known this person? Do I really know and accept them – their good and not so good qualities, their values and foibles?

Can we have honest conversations about making love – past experiences, what we know we like, what we know we don’t like, our sexual aspirations in this relationship, our sexual health?

Do I trust them – have I experienced them being truthful, willing to be vulnerable and taking responsibility in this relationship?

Will making love with this person nourish and sustain me over time, not just for tonight?

Am I truly ready to take this step?

Here is the key to your happiness

We all have different values and opinions when it comes to when is the right time to make love – some people feel this is only after marriage, some feel otherwise. The danger of waiting until after marriage is that people sometimes make the mistake of getting married so they can have sex and become ‘grown up’, when actually this behaviour betrays their immaturity.

The only guide I can give to save you heartache is to take as much time as you need to look within yourself and ask the questions above. To be honest with your partner about what you are doing and to hear their response with acceptance and understanding.

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I love to get your feedback and would be delighted to hear your views on sex and when the right time is for you .. get in touch using the Comments box below or have a look at my Contact details.

 

09.27.14
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A Meditation .. Kind Speech

“Do not break the ribbon of love because of a triviality. For once torn it is never again one – a knot always remains.”

Lotus

Today .. I think before I speak

Words possess a strong power, regardless of whether the effect they create is intentional or not. We can seriously harm others and ourselves through words. Therefore, we should speak fewer rather than too many words, and weigh them up in the heart before we speak. With friends it is easy to find pleasant, beautiful words, but to treat those we do not count as friends with love and friendship is a great virtue and takes self discipline.

I invite you to sit for a moment, read the words above and let them sink in, then go about your day today allowing feelings about others to rise and asking yourself ‘What does this mean, right now, for me?’

06.07.14
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A Meditation .. Flow

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

– Lao Tzu

flow

I’ve been doing some fascinating work recently with some wonderful people who have come to me with a range of different problems they’d like to work on.

While each person is so individual, and has been through their own personal challenges and experiences, it’s striking that there is one theme that runs through each person’s unhappiness, which when they’ve been able to see it and work through it has helped enormously, whatever their past and current circumstances.

It takes untold amounts of personal energy to resist reality, whether that reality is that you’re in a relationship (at home or at work) with someone who doesn’t value you, or that you’re living with a debilitating and painful illness. Eventually the struggle wears people out, or it wears the relationship out, and that’s usually when they come to speak with me.

We all do it, and the more we do it the more our blinkers close in, the more we feel anxious and the more we struggle. I invite you to sit for a moment, read Lao Tzu’s words above and let them sink in, then go about your day today letting reality be reality, allowing the changes that go on around you and asking yourself the one question ‘What does this mean, right now, for me?’

04.07.14
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We Don’t Talk Anymore

In the first flush of romance, we share all sorts of information together. In fact, on our first few dates we often talk until the wee small hours of the morning.

Then after the ‘honeymoon’ period we often feel like we’ve shared everything we can. And we start to fool ourselves we know all there is to know about the other person.

This usually leads the glue that holds a relationship together to weaken. To find that bond again it’s important to remain interested:

a) in our partner

b) in life and learning

c) in sharing our life and experiences

When I say that going out on a date once a week is important and that you must go as a couple, no other people, that there is to be no discussion about work or your children, couples often gasp in horror!

They ask ‘but what would we talk about?’

One of the best ways to do this is to ask questions that elicit answers which give you better insight into each other. Questions that make you think deeply about your own and each other’s feelings and values.

These questions are compulsory when you are thinking of entering a relationship – you really do need to find out what the person is REALLY like. They’re also a way to find out how this changes over your time together.

And believe me, it will.

It’s OK to be different – that’s what keeps the interest and excitement there.

2014-03-06 14.03.51

Tackle just a few questions at a time. Explore the answers in depth – answer questions that are triggered by the initial one.

If you’re not in a couple, you can modify these questions to use with your children, family or friends.

Remember, this is a game of exploration – have fun!

Some Rules

Rule 1: You need to both be relaxed and comfortable with this ‘game’

Rule 2: Make sure you have enough time to be patient and really hear the answers

Rule 3: When your partner is speaking, be aware of your breathing – keep it deep and even. The second you become aware of holding your breath, you have stopped listening and are falling into the trap of reacting

Rule 4: No judging! Accept that if the other person is talking about their feelings they are ‘right’ whether you agree or not

Rule 5: When your partner is answering a question, give them time to explore their emotions and thoughts – if it’s not your turn, shut up and keep breathing! You may find this harder if your partner is used to thinking out loud

Rule 6: If you know you tend to ramble, show respect for your partner by practising keeping your focus

Rule 7: Do not use this time as an opportunity to ‘get back at’ your partner

Rule 8: Tell the truth. If you don’t want to answer a question let your partner know you need to think more about the question, and promise to answer it at another time

Rule 9: Once you’ve waited for the other person to finish speaking, look down, nod and count to five before you start to speak

Rule 10: To clarify your understanding you may wish to repeat what they have said in your own words and ask them if that is what they meant

Rule 11: There is no competition in this game, and if you play fair you’ll both win!

Select any question randomly:

If you had a million dollars what would you do?

How important are birthdays and anniversaries to you? Why?

What is romance for you?

Tell me about en exciting moment in your childhood.

How do you define intimacy?

What is your idea of a good sexual relationship?

What do you consider sexy?

What is something you really like about your relationship / your personality / your looks / yourself / your partner / your family / your parents / your children / your job / your best friend

How do you like to non verbally tell your partner you love them?

If there was one thing you could do that would change the quality of your home /work / sex life what would it would be?

What is one feature or aspect of your behaviour or personality you would like to change?

What is acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour from your partner?

What is the funniest moment together you can remember?

Is there anything you have been wanting to share with me but don’t know how? Is now a good time?

What motivates you to work?

What is your purpose in life?

2 stones on beach

How do you like to give love?

How do you prefer to be shown love?

Do you have goals in your life? What are they?

How is our relationship different now from your courting days? Or the early days of our relationship? Why do you this this is?

Are you a generous person? Why?

What does being ‘thoughtful’ mean to you?

Who have been your greatest teachers in your life?

Is there anyone you need to forgive or make peace with in your life? Who and why?

What is your concept of foreplay?

Is your style to fight, flow or flee in the face of stress?

Are you true to yourself? What does that mean to you?

Tell me about your day?

Tell me five new things you would like to learn before turning forty / fifty / sixty?

What new food would you like to try? Would that be by going out or staying in?

Finally, don’t forget to tell your partner how much he/she means to you and about all the ways their love and presence has enriched your life.

01.13.14
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Does Your Life Have a Soundtrack?

Whenever I used to break up with a guy it always seemed like every song on the radio was about US! I’d drive in my car listening to tune after tune about heartbreak, and when I got home I was so miserable it seemed like everyone was splitting up and that it was the most terrible thing that could happen to a person EVER!

But one day I got sick of being manipulated like this and decided to take back control. I started playing music that was about good times, that made me feel good, that strengthened me instead of diminishing me.

After a couple of years I was ready for the next step .. I sat down with my music collection (I used to DJ and had been buying music since I was 12 so there was a LOT to go through) and sifted out all the ‘misery music’ as I like to call it.

Not only did I make a friend very happy when he found himself the new owner of 6 boxes of prime vinyl but I could actually see what music I did have on my cluttered shelves, and I’ve never regretted it. When I choose to buy music now I do a quick mental scan about whether it will bring me up, calm me or bum me out.

We can’t change a lot of things in our environment but we do have a choice about the music we listen to, the television programmes we watch and the people we spend time with. What would you like to choose?

10.03.13
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Savouring ..

Our Brilliant Holiday

Our Brilliant Holiday

Have you ever had a really great day then ended up talking about the terrible items on the evening news once you got home to your partner?

On average, we tend to have three times as many positive experiences during a day compared to negative experiences, but in spite of this our natural ‘negativity bias’  causes more bad news to feature in our everyday conversations. This tendency was vital to our survival as cave dwellers but research has shown that .. “an enthusiastic or supportive response correlates with commitment, satisfaction, intimacy and trust.

A recent study looked at the benefits of sharing good news. Lambert and his colleagues (2013) proposed, “…that the sharing of positive experience will uniquely contribute to positive affect.” Across four separate studies findings indicate that the sharing of a positive interaction not only is related to a momentary increase in positive mood but is also correlated with higher life satisfaction when it is practiced long-term.

This differs from simply attempting to savor an experience or write down things you for which you are grateful. To put it another way, we sometimes make the mistake of treating happiness as if it is a personal, individualistic pursuit. It is important to remember that humans are social creatures and that happiness can often be found in our interactions. In this case social savoring by sharing positive experiences can pay happiness dividends. The people in your life have the potential to increase your happiness and you theirs. This idea-that we are “co-responsible” for one another’s happiness-can seem radical to those who believe that happiness is related to “self-help.”

We could all be just a little bit more satisfied if we shared what’s going well in our lives!”

(Newsletter 01/10/2013 http://positiveacorn.com)

Savouring in your relationships can be as simple as:

Sharing with others – Seek out others to share your experiences and tell them how much you value the moments you share.
Memory building – Take mental and photographic snapshots, as well as physical souvenirs from events in your life, and reminisce later with your loved ones.
Congratulate yourselves – Don’t be afraid to tell yourself how great you are for getting this far, and remember how much work got you here.
Sharpen your perception – Focus on certain senses and block out others: try closing your eyes when listening to music.
Absorption – Allow yourself to become totally immersed in your experiences, or in your partner, and try not to think .. just feel ..

What moments would you like to savour? I’d love to read your Comments on this page, or let me know at www.facebook.com/apcounselling
09.19.13
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Acceptance ..

I spend a lot of time reading up on the latest relationship research and debates so you don’t have to. One blog post I read recently suggested a couple ‘really gets married’ somewhere around the 5th year after their wedding. So why, I got to wondering, was this?

One answer comes from Harriet Lerner’s wonderful book Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and The Coupled Up, described as “Required reading for anyone hoping to interact successfully with any other human” .. (a great idea for a wedding gift by the way).

Lerner’s Rule #1 (let’s call it the Uber Rule) is Respect Differences!

In the first, hot, part of a relationship we think our partner is perfect in every way, that we are ‘two halves of the same coin’ and other such sayings. But as time goes on this naturally fades, we become more secure in our friendship and start to really show ourselves. Maybe he really likes nothing more than to sit in his tracksuit pants in front of the football, while she is sulking because he used to take her out for dinner on a Saturday night .. and neither understands why things have changed .. and before long a thousand little niggles have convinced each of them ‘this is the wrong person for me’, or “I love him, but I’m not IN LOVE with him”.

Lerner advises that for a loving relationship to flourish we should not:

“.. get too nervous about differences”, or ..

“.. equate closeness with sameness”, and instead “work on staying emotionally close to a partner who thinks and feels differently than you do without needing to convince or otherwise fix [them].”

When couples can accept and celebrate each other as they truly are the marriage really begins. Which is when she can say “Sweetie, I really don’t get football, but I’m happy you’re enjoying the match”, and he says “Honey, put on your best dress, and when the final whistle goes we’re going out on the town”.

Sometimes getting there needs some independent help, a fresh perspective from an outside source. If that’s what you need get in touch with a well qualified and experienced relationship counsellor who should be able to work with you to achieve your relationship goals.