Tag Archives: Life satisfaction

12.13.15
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Calling Scottish Couples

I had to blog about Relationships Scotland’s current project: they’re looking for couples to take part in a couple counselling documentary.

The charity say on their website .. “.. we are interested in dispelling myths about relationship counselling and, where appropriate and with permission, telling the real life stories of the couples we support.”

zodiak

Relationships Scotland are working with Zodiak Media on a new six part series following couples through the process of relationship counselling.

They plan to look at the very different issues that bring people to couples therapy, with couples across age groups and in different stages of their relationships, with the intention of removing stigma around couple counselling. Hopefully the project will show that therapy is something many couples could consider to improve their relationship before it reaches crisis point.

Both of these goals are hugely important: statistics and my experience suggest that if many couples accessed counselling earlier they would save themselves a lot of money and heartache by looking at making small changes that would make big differences in the quality and trajectory of their relationships. I personally am a strong believer that universal funding for short courses of relationships education and therapy at key stages, like high school, making a commitment, having a baby, moving to an empty nest and retirement would improve wellbeing throughout our nation now and for future generations.

Relationships Scotland’s next step is to find appropriate Scottish couples willing to discuss the opportunity further – they stress that there is absolutely no commitment at this stage.

If you would like an informal chat about taking part please email Ross McCulloch, Head of Communications at Relationships Scotland, ross.mcculloch@relationships-scotland.org.uk or call 0845 119 2020.

I’ll be keeping an eagle eye out for the documentary when it comes out. What do you think, will this project be realistic and / or useful?

01.13.15
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Babyproof your Relationship

Becoming parents is a marvellous time for many couples, and for others it can be rough, even leading to relationship breakdown.

birth and baby basics The lovely Janine Rudin over at Birth and Baby Basics asked me to write a couple of articles on preparing your relationship for the birth, as well as ideas on how to manage things afterwards.

Janine is an inspiring antenatal teacher, doula, baby massage instructor and postnatal educator, who’s been providing a unique combination of professional support and services from pregnancy through to life as a young family on Tyneside since 2008.

I’m lucky enough to be a mother, but when my baby arrived it was by no means plain sailing. At times it felt like my husband, new baby and I were in a tiny boat on very stormy seas. We had very little support close by at that time and I suffered from post-natal depression. Eventually my marriage broke down, which at the time was really tough, but gave me the motivation to heal, as well as learn how to help others who might be in a similar position.

Go and take a look at Janine’s fab Birth and Baby Basics website and see what I wrote here .. and here.

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I would love to hear what you think about becoming a parent? Did you struggle? Any tips? Any hopes or worries you’d like to share?

Do get in touch by Commenting below or using my Contact details to speak direct.

11.01.14
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Gratitude

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

William Arthur Ward

Something often missing with couples who are experiencing difficulties is gratitude. It’s easy to take for granted all the little things our partners do for us every day and focus on the things they do wrong, the dishes in the sink, the unmended cupboard door .. but what if we take a moment to think about all the things they are doing right?

Since 2000 scientists have been finding that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:

Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure
More joy, optimism, and happiness
Feeling less lonely and isolated

Gratitude has two key components: firstly it reminds us that there are gifts and benefits we’re consistently receiving from our partner and those around us.

Robert Emmons, perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, writes “I see it as a relationship-strengthening emotion, because it requires us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people.”

The second part of practising gratitude is to express it, to acknowledge the other people who give us so many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives each day.

November is Gratitude Month, and I will be marking each day of this month by keeping a gratitude journal, noting down something different each day and meditating on it.

To start your gratitude practise, take just a few minutes each day to think of at least one thing you’re grateful to your partner for .. take note, some days this will be easier than others! ;-D

Once you’ve got this down find creative ways to let your partner know how much you appreciate what they do .. a hug and a thank you, or a note left in their lunch box to find at work?

This can also be a good exercise when you’re frustrated with your spouse and about to explode! Take some time out to remember what they do for you, and when you’re ready to face them start off by reminding them how much they do, before letting them know that broken cupboard door is driving you crazy!

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I love to hear what you think about the topics raised in my blog, and how you apply these in your life. Do leave Comments below or get in touch using my Contact details.

 

10.03.13
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Savouring ..

Our Brilliant Holiday

Our Brilliant Holiday

Have you ever had a really great day then ended up talking about the terrible items on the evening news once you got home to your partner?

On average, we tend to have three times as many positive experiences during a day compared to negative experiences, but in spite of this our natural ‘negativity bias’  causes more bad news to feature in our everyday conversations. This tendency was vital to our survival as cave dwellers but research has shown that .. “an enthusiastic or supportive response correlates with commitment, satisfaction, intimacy and trust.

A recent study looked at the benefits of sharing good news. Lambert and his colleagues (2013) proposed, “…that the sharing of positive experience will uniquely contribute to positive affect.” Across four separate studies findings indicate that the sharing of a positive interaction not only is related to a momentary increase in positive mood but is also correlated with higher life satisfaction when it is practiced long-term.

This differs from simply attempting to savor an experience or write down things you for which you are grateful. To put it another way, we sometimes make the mistake of treating happiness as if it is a personal, individualistic pursuit. It is important to remember that humans are social creatures and that happiness can often be found in our interactions. In this case social savoring by sharing positive experiences can pay happiness dividends. The people in your life have the potential to increase your happiness and you theirs. This idea-that we are “co-responsible” for one another’s happiness-can seem radical to those who believe that happiness is related to “self-help.”

We could all be just a little bit more satisfied if we shared what’s going well in our lives!”

(Newsletter 01/10/2013 http://positiveacorn.com)

Savouring in your relationships can be as simple as:

Sharing with others – Seek out others to share your experiences and tell them how much you value the moments you share.
Memory building – Take mental and photographic snapshots, as well as physical souvenirs from events in your life, and reminisce later with your loved ones.
Congratulate yourselves – Don’t be afraid to tell yourself how great you are for getting this far, and remember how much work got you here.
Sharpen your perception – Focus on certain senses and block out others: try closing your eyes when listening to music.
Absorption – Allow yourself to become totally immersed in your experiences, or in your partner, and try not to think .. just feel ..

What moments would you like to savour? I’d love to read your Comments on this page, or let me know at www.facebook.com/apcounselling
09.19.13
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Acceptance ..

I spend a lot of time reading up on the latest relationship research and debates so you don’t have to. One blog post I read recently suggested a couple ‘really gets married’ somewhere around the 5th year after their wedding. So why, I got to wondering, was this?

One answer comes from Harriet Lerner’s wonderful book Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and The Coupled Up, described as “Required reading for anyone hoping to interact successfully with any other human” .. (a great idea for a wedding gift by the way).

Lerner’s Rule #1 (let’s call it the Uber Rule) is Respect Differences!

In the first, hot, part of a relationship we think our partner is perfect in every way, that we are ‘two halves of the same coin’ and other such sayings. But as time goes on this naturally fades, we become more secure in our friendship and start to really show ourselves. Maybe he really likes nothing more than to sit in his tracksuit pants in front of the football, while she is sulking because he used to take her out for dinner on a Saturday night .. and neither understands why things have changed .. and before long a thousand little niggles have convinced each of them ‘this is the wrong person for me’, or “I love him, but I’m not IN LOVE with him”.

Lerner advises that for a loving relationship to flourish we should not:

“.. get too nervous about differences”, or ..

“.. equate closeness with sameness”, and instead “work on staying emotionally close to a partner who thinks and feels differently than you do without needing to convince or otherwise fix [them].”

When couples can accept and celebrate each other as they truly are the marriage really begins. Which is when she can say “Sweetie, I really don’t get football, but I’m happy you’re enjoying the match”, and he says “Honey, put on your best dress, and when the final whistle goes we’re going out on the town”.

Sometimes getting there needs some independent help, a fresh perspective from an outside source. If that’s what you need get in touch with a well qualified and experienced relationship counsellor who should be able to work with you to achieve your relationship goals.

 

09.03.13
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Tell, Be With, Give, Do or Cuddle?

I get a number of relationship blogs delivered to my email Inbox every day, and to be honest sometimes I hit delete pretty fast as I go through them. This morning though, one email caught my eye, and my imagination, and I clicked through to Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ to see what the fuss was about.

I’d recommend taking a look too and doing the free questionnaire to find your preferred love languages, whether you’re trying to save your marriage, preparing to make a commitment or single. This tool would help in all relationships, particularly with your children and teenagers as they grow and develop their own ‘Love Language’ which may be very different to your own.

It’d be nice if our partners magically knew what we need, and sometimes in the early stages of a relationship it seems that’s the case. But in reality knowing yourself in a relationship is vital to being able to clearly ask your partner for what you need and to make your relationship work. This is a great tool to find out what your partner can do that’ll really make you feel special.

And don’t forget them! Send them the questionnaire and talk about the similarities and differences in your ‘Love Languages’, it might be why they get so much out of a quiet night on the sofa for Date Night, while what lights you up is being read poetry.

Have a go and get in touch to let me know how you get on ..