Category Archives: Sustaining Your Relationship

06.07.14
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A Meditation .. Flow

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

– Lao Tzu

flow

I’ve been doing some fascinating work recently with some wonderful people who have come to me with a range of different problems they’d like to work on.

While each person is so individual, and has been through their own personal challenges and experiences, it’s striking that there is one theme that runs through each person’s unhappiness, which when they’ve been able to see it and work through it has helped enormously, whatever their past and current circumstances.

It takes untold amounts of personal energy to resist reality, whether that reality is that you’re in a relationship (at home or at work) with someone who doesn’t value you, or that you’re living with a debilitating and painful illness. Eventually the struggle wears people out, or it wears the relationship out, and that’s usually when they come to speak with me.

We all do it, and the more we do it the more our blinkers close in, the more we feel anxious and the more we struggle. I invite you to sit for a moment, read Lao Tzu’s words above and let them sink in, then go about your day today letting reality be reality, allowing the changes that go on around you and asking yourself the one question ‘What does this mean, right now, for me?’

04.07.14
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We Don’t Talk Anymore

In the first flush of romance, we share all sorts of information together. In fact, on our first few dates we often talk until the wee small hours of the morning.

Then after the ‘honeymoon’ period we often feel like we’ve shared everything we can. And we start to fool ourselves we know all there is to know about the other person.

This usually leads the glue that holds a relationship together to weaken. To find that bond again it’s important to remain interested:

a) in our partner

b) in life and learning

c) in sharing our life and experiences

When I say that going out on a date once a week is important and that you must go as a couple, no other people, that there is to be no discussion about work or your children, couples often gasp in horror!

They ask ‘but what would we talk about?’

One of the best ways to do this is to ask questions that elicit answers which give you better insight into each other. Questions that make you think deeply about your own and each other’s feelings and values.

These questions are compulsory when you are thinking of entering a relationship – you really do need to find out what the person is REALLY like. They’re also a way to find out how this changes over your time together.

And believe me, it will.

It’s OK to be different – that’s what keeps the interest and excitement there.

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Tackle just a few questions at a time. Explore the answers in depth – answer questions that are triggered by the initial one.

If you’re not in a couple, you can modify these questions to use with your children, family or friends.

Remember, this is a game of exploration – have fun!

Some Rules

Rule 1: You need to both be relaxed and comfortable with this ‘game’

Rule 2: Make sure you have enough time to be patient and really hear the answers

Rule 3: When your partner is speaking, be aware of your breathing – keep it deep and even. The second you become aware of holding your breath, you have stopped listening and are falling into the trap of reacting

Rule 4: No judging! Accept that if the other person is talking about their feelings they are ‘right’ whether you agree or not

Rule 5: When your partner is answering a question, give them time to explore their emotions and thoughts – if it’s not your turn, shut up and keep breathing! You may find this harder if your partner is used to thinking out loud

Rule 6: If you know you tend to ramble, show respect for your partner by practising keeping your focus

Rule 7: Do not use this time as an opportunity to ‘get back at’ your partner

Rule 8: Tell the truth. If you don’t want to answer a question let your partner know you need to think more about the question, and promise to answer it at another time

Rule 9: Once you’ve waited for the other person to finish speaking, look down, nod and count to five before you start to speak

Rule 10: To clarify your understanding you may wish to repeat what they have said in your own words and ask them if that is what they meant

Rule 11: There is no competition in this game, and if you play fair you’ll both win!

Select any question randomly:

If you had a million dollars what would you do?

How important are birthdays and anniversaries to you? Why?

What is romance for you?

Tell me about en exciting moment in your childhood.

How do you define intimacy?

What is your idea of a good sexual relationship?

What do you consider sexy?

What is something you really like about your relationship / your personality / your looks / yourself / your partner / your family / your parents / your children / your job / your best friend

How do you like to non verbally tell your partner you love them?

If there was one thing you could do that would change the quality of your home /work / sex life what would it would be?

What is one feature or aspect of your behaviour or personality you would like to change?

What is acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour from your partner?

What is the funniest moment together you can remember?

Is there anything you have been wanting to share with me but don’t know how? Is now a good time?

What motivates you to work?

What is your purpose in life?

2 stones on beach

How do you like to give love?

How do you prefer to be shown love?

Do you have goals in your life? What are they?

How is our relationship different now from your courting days? Or the early days of our relationship? Why do you this this is?

Are you a generous person? Why?

What does being ‘thoughtful’ mean to you?

Who have been your greatest teachers in your life?

Is there anyone you need to forgive or make peace with in your life? Who and why?

What is your concept of foreplay?

Is your style to fight, flow or flee in the face of stress?

Are you true to yourself? What does that mean to you?

Tell me about your day?

Tell me five new things you would like to learn before turning forty / fifty / sixty?

What new food would you like to try? Would that be by going out or staying in?

Finally, don’t forget to tell your partner how much he/she means to you and about all the ways their love and presence has enriched your life.

03.28.14
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What about this week’s Date Night!

There are lots of ideas out there for cheap and fun date nights, some of which you don’t even need to find a babysitter to do. The key as you know is to mix it up, try things you don’t usually do and HAVE FUN!

A good time to discuss date night is at your weekly ‘Business Meeting’ (more of this later) where the first item on the agenda for you and your sweetie could be booking a slot for your date before finding time to fit all the other usual family stuff in.

Here are ten more ideas to keep you going:

1. Re-watch the first movie you watched together

2. Take a shower and get dressed up to go out, but stay in

3. Wear your favourite lingerie under your normal clothes, or better yet, none .. leave your lover a note to let them know

4. Bake chocolate chip cookies together and right when you get them out of the oven put vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce on top

YSL Love pic

5. Sit outside and read together (one for warmer days unless you have a patio heater)

6. Write out an invitation card to your date requesting their presence at the VIP Lounge of your private nightclub, then make room for our own private dance floor and have fun. Don’t worry, no one is watching!

7. Make a mix CD or playlist together

8. Put a blanket down and picnic in front of the TV

9. Work out together .. Set up a circuit in the garage or in the back yard with a jump rope, dumbbells, push-up, and sit-up stations

10. Go to the book store and look at travel books, and then plan your dream holiday

What have YOU ALWAYS wanted to do with your other half? Let them know (don’t be shy)

03.17.14
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But We Can’t Afford Date Night!

Following on from last week’s post, couples I meet often ‘get’ the idea of date night and are really keen to get going. The problem is that with all the outgoings of a typical family there’s just nothing left for the tried and tested ‘dinner and a movie’.

However, you’ll remember from last week that one of the key ways that date night helps couples regain and sustain their bond is ‘novelty’.

Luckily novelty doesn’t cost as much as dinner and two movie tickets, plus there are plenty of ‘dates’ the two of you can enjoy at home with the kids tucked in upstairs and the baby monitor on. It’s just a matter of being creative!

I’ve collected tons of ideas from clients and friends over the years for date nights (and days!) that don’t need an unlimited budget or a babysitter, so here are a few to get you started.

1. Have breakfast for dinner, at home or in a cafe

2. Play your favourite childhood board games (you can try a strip version of these if you fancy spicing things up)

3. Make chocolate fondue together with a platter full of goodies to dip

4. Learn a line dance from YouTube

5. Go to one restaurant for starters, another for dinner, and a final one for dessert

6. Share a plate of your favourite nibbles and feed each other

7. Take a stroll down Memory Lane . Lay a blanket on the floor, light a few candles and watch a home movie — your wedding, kids’ birthdays, family holidays. Dust off old photo albums to continue the reminiscing!

8. Spend some time in the card aisle at your local shop finding one for each other. Don’t show each other the cards you’ve selected .. yet. First, go to a cafe and order a drink, then fill out your cards and exchange your most current “vows”

9. The £1 Date . Make a dinner only using ingredients that are £1 or less. Go to your local pound shop together and each buy two treats to share, then snuggle in with the first movie you ever saw together

10. Have dinner in the backyard, patio, or your front lawn

What have YOU ALWAYS wanted to do with your other half? Let them know (don’t be shy)

03.06.14
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Are you still Dating?

You have a busy life, right? Kids, work, hobbies, friends, family … and somewhere down the line you stopped dating your partner.

You can’t remember exactly when you both decided you preferred staying in with your pyjamas on, or catching up on some well needed sleep, or even hanging out with your other friends, over quality time with your sweetie.

And even though it’s not like it was one of you making the decision, slowly, because you’re not making time for each other the thought slipped in ‘maybe he/she doesn’t want to hang out and have fun, just the two of us’, or ‘maybe we’ll pick it up again once the kids don’t need us so much’.

Wrong .. A university of Virginia report says date nights ‘play an important role in strengthening the quality and stability of these contemporary relationships and marriages.’ The report finds that ‘couples who devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are markedly more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates, compared to couples who do not devote much couple time to one another.’

There are at least five reasons why this is true:

1. Communication – by removing distractions like kids and work a couple has the chance to discuss things that are important to them and reconnect

2. Novelty – it’s easy for a relationship to get stale when you’re both stuck in the daily grind; the chance to try something new together returns to the excitement and fun of a new relationship

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3. Passion – seeing your partner sprucing up just for you and spending time being romantically close can help keep the sexual spark alive

4. Commitment – a weekly date night signals to each other, as well as family and friends, that a couple take spending time together seriously and are committed to making the effort needed to sustain their committed relationship

5. De-Stressing – modern life has so many stresses, from work and family to the state of global warming, and this can take a toll on a couple’s ability to work together  constructively; taking time out together is vital to reducing stress and providing emotional support

So how the ##### do you manage to do something together that’s not dinner and a date every week on a limited budget? And what do we talk about when we do fancy catching a bite? Don’t worry, I’ll be posting my tips for low cost date nights, as well as some great conversation starters for couples (or anyone) shortly.

As always I’d love to hear what you think about date night. Have you tried it? Get in touch ..

01.13.14
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Does Your Life Have a Soundtrack?

Whenever I used to break up with a guy it always seemed like every song on the radio was about US! I’d drive in my car listening to tune after tune about heartbreak, and when I got home I was so miserable it seemed like everyone was splitting up and that it was the most terrible thing that could happen to a person EVER!

But one day I got sick of being manipulated like this and decided to take back control. I started playing music that was about good times, that made me feel good, that strengthened me instead of diminishing me.

After a couple of years I was ready for the next step .. I sat down with my music collection (I used to DJ and had been buying music since I was 12 so there was a LOT to go through) and sifted out all the ‘misery music’ as I like to call it.

Not only did I make a friend very happy when he found himself the new owner of 6 boxes of prime vinyl but I could actually see what music I did have on my cluttered shelves, and I’ve never regretted it. When I choose to buy music now I do a quick mental scan about whether it will bring me up, calm me or bum me out.

We can’t change a lot of things in our environment but we do have a choice about the music we listen to, the television programmes we watch and the people we spend time with. What would you like to choose?

11.03.13
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Fighting for your relationship ..

“If peace cannot be maintained with honour, it is no longer peace”

Lord John Russell (1792-1878)

The most common problem that couples report when coming to me for relationship counselling is arguments that they find difficult to successfully resolve. In other words they’re stuck in a pattern and they need some help to  find alternative ways to deal with it. This might seem daunting, but is usually straightforward enough, with both partners’ effort, to quickly resolve.

The second most common problem, and one which has usually been going on longer than the ‘conflict style’ above, is when a couple come to me and say “We never fight; I just don’t love him / her any more”.

The second style can often be more damaging because it becomes invisible .. couples pride themselves on keeping the peace when in actual fact levels of resentment are rising and both partners are compromising their personal integrity in the interests of “the relationship”. The partner who has an affair because ‘my husband / wife doesn’t understand me’ is often guilty of not opening up enough to allow their partner to understand them because of a fear of conflict.

Contrary to what people with both these conflict styles believe, conflict is actually necessary and healthy for two people in a relationship (and of course within families) in order that individuals be able to express their true selves and to be understood, to maintain clear personal boundaries and to enable growth.

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Something to keep in mind is that both of these conflict styles have an effect on children living around these patterns of behaviour. Research by the Gottman Institute suggests that

” .. parents whose conflicts are characterized by mutual hostility often produce children who are unable to wait their turn, tend to disobey or break rules, or expect others to conform to their wishes.”

While couples whose conflict style involve withdrawal can produce children who are shy, depressed, or anxious.

And of course your children will learn and repeat your conflict style in their own relationships.

To put this learning into practice in your relationship ask yourself which conflict style tends to dominate between you?

If it’s the first practise spotting when you feel the temperature rising in your exchanges (faster breathing, tension, heightened temperature) and taking time out, at least 20 minutes, to let your breathing slow to normal and resume the conversation using only “I” statements, eg I believe / think / feel that ..

If you tend to withdraw from conflict practise spotting when this happens. Again take at least 20 minutes time out to work out what your position is on the issue at hand and return to your partner. Find a good time for both of you to discuss it, explain your position briefly, and calmly, thank them for listening, tell them you would love to hear their side and give your partner some time to process before they get back to you. This will avoid their tendency to ‘cave in’ to avoid the anxiety of conflict.

Both these strategies will feel unnatural at first, but with time and practise will become second nature as you experience the benefits of being understood.

Sometimes getting your relationships moving forward needs an outside perspective. If that’s what you need get in touch with a well qualified and experienced relationship coach who should be able to work together with you to achieve your relationship goals.

10.03.13
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Savouring ..

Our Brilliant Holiday

Our Brilliant Holiday

Have you ever had a really great day then ended up talking about the terrible items on the evening news once you got home to your partner?

On average, we tend to have three times as many positive experiences during a day compared to negative experiences, but in spite of this our natural ‘negativity bias’  causes more bad news to feature in our everyday conversations. This tendency was vital to our survival as cave dwellers but research has shown that .. “an enthusiastic or supportive response correlates with commitment, satisfaction, intimacy and trust.

A recent study looked at the benefits of sharing good news. Lambert and his colleagues (2013) proposed, “…that the sharing of positive experience will uniquely contribute to positive affect.” Across four separate studies findings indicate that the sharing of a positive interaction not only is related to a momentary increase in positive mood but is also correlated with higher life satisfaction when it is practiced long-term.

This differs from simply attempting to savor an experience or write down things you for which you are grateful. To put it another way, we sometimes make the mistake of treating happiness as if it is a personal, individualistic pursuit. It is important to remember that humans are social creatures and that happiness can often be found in our interactions. In this case social savoring by sharing positive experiences can pay happiness dividends. The people in your life have the potential to increase your happiness and you theirs. This idea-that we are “co-responsible” for one another’s happiness-can seem radical to those who believe that happiness is related to “self-help.”

We could all be just a little bit more satisfied if we shared what’s going well in our lives!”

(Newsletter 01/10/2013 http://positiveacorn.com)

Savouring in your relationships can be as simple as:

Sharing with others – Seek out others to share your experiences and tell them how much you value the moments you share.
Memory building – Take mental and photographic snapshots, as well as physical souvenirs from events in your life, and reminisce later with your loved ones.
Congratulate yourselves – Don’t be afraid to tell yourself how great you are for getting this far, and remember how much work got you here.
Sharpen your perception – Focus on certain senses and block out others: try closing your eyes when listening to music.
Absorption – Allow yourself to become totally immersed in your experiences, or in your partner, and try not to think .. just feel ..

What moments would you like to savour? I’d love to read your Comments on this page, or let me know at www.facebook.com/apcounselling
09.19.13
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Acceptance ..

I spend a lot of time reading up on the latest relationship research and debates so you don’t have to. One blog post I read recently suggested a couple ‘really gets married’ somewhere around the 5th year after their wedding. So why, I got to wondering, was this?

One answer comes from Harriet Lerner’s wonderful book Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and The Coupled Up, described as “Required reading for anyone hoping to interact successfully with any other human” .. (a great idea for a wedding gift by the way).

Lerner’s Rule #1 (let’s call it the Uber Rule) is Respect Differences!

In the first, hot, part of a relationship we think our partner is perfect in every way, that we are ‘two halves of the same coin’ and other such sayings. But as time goes on this naturally fades, we become more secure in our friendship and start to really show ourselves. Maybe he really likes nothing more than to sit in his tracksuit pants in front of the football, while she is sulking because he used to take her out for dinner on a Saturday night .. and neither understands why things have changed .. and before long a thousand little niggles have convinced each of them ‘this is the wrong person for me’, or “I love him, but I’m not IN LOVE with him”.

Lerner advises that for a loving relationship to flourish we should not:

“.. get too nervous about differences”, or ..

“.. equate closeness with sameness”, and instead “work on staying emotionally close to a partner who thinks and feels differently than you do without needing to convince or otherwise fix [them].”

When couples can accept and celebrate each other as they truly are the marriage really begins. Which is when she can say “Sweetie, I really don’t get football, but I’m happy you’re enjoying the match”, and he says “Honey, put on your best dress, and when the final whistle goes we’re going out on the town”.

Sometimes getting there needs some independent help, a fresh perspective from an outside source. If that’s what you need get in touch with a well qualified and experienced relationship counsellor who should be able to work with you to achieve your relationship goals.