Author Archives: Armele P

04.30.15
by

Driving Meditation

Traffic in Newcastle upon Tyne and North Tyneside has been terrible this last week. I’ve had a number of clients turn up late and flustered and this morning it took an hour for me to make what should have been a half hour journey. So when I was sitting in stationary traffic with nowhere to go and no way of knowing when it would start moving again I decided to let go of worrying and use my time productively instead.

I usually arrive early enough at work to prepare for the day ahead and I knew I’d be jumping straight in so today my prep was done in the car (if not on the move) using a simple sense meditation and I found it so useful I thought I’d share how to practise mindful driving.

image

First, switch the radio off so you can HEAR and LISTEN FOR the noises made by your engine, maybe the fan whirring, noises outside, windscreen wipers .. Ask yourself, are there any sounds you didn’t notice before? What are they? Are they loud or soft? Do they continue or stop? What else do you hear?

Slow your BREATHING and take the breath in a little deeper than before. Feel the cold air hit your nose as it enters your body and the warm breath as it leaves. Count to 3 on the in breath and again on the out breath, how does it feel?

Then turn your awareness to what you can SEE .. Cars, cars and more I expect, and what else? How does the sky look today? Are there clouds? What shapes are they making today? Remember you will never see this particular sky again, drink it in, be grateful for the opportunity to appreciate it in this moment.

Use your sense of SMELL to be fully aware of the space you find yourself in .. What can you smell? If you find your mind wandering to memories triggered by what you’re experiencing in the here and now just be aware and gently come back to the present.

As a driver you’ll be looking at passers by as potential hazards, but while you’re not moving look at them again and see them as people, wonder where they’ve come from today and where they’re heading. FEEL your connection with your fellow humans and with all the humans in our world who are travelling (or stuck) in this moment.

And when you do finally arrive, wherever that is, lock your mindful self inside as long as you can. I hope these words are useful to you, and may you journey well.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I love to read your comments, or if you prefer contact me direct to discuss counselling with a mindfulness perspective.

03.20.15
by

The Truth about Internet Dating

This month I invited Carol Stoker from A Friendly Face introduction agency, to share her experiences around internet dating. She founded the agency after spending a few years becoming frustrated with dating through the internet.

For the rest of your life“Internet dating is a massive business, catering for all sectors of the community and there are thousands of profiles out there. Freedom of choice is great, but there are downsides:

Rejection . Are you prepared for responses like “Not in a million years” and “I don’t date old women”? (I didn’t make these up, unfortunately).

Safety . You’re going on ‘blind dates’ every time you meet someone. You may have ‘spoken’ via email for weeks, but who are they really? TELL SOMEONE when and where you are going. DO NOT divulge personal details (eg where you live) until you have seen them a few times and seen some form of ID. I ask all my clients for a recent utility bill.

Photographs . It has been known for someone to use a picture of her better-looking sister as a profile picture (true story). Or more commonly photos are from five years ago. This is the biggest bugbear amongst internet daters I have spoken with.

They’re Married . If this doesn’t bother you then ok. But be aware of this if you’re joining a dating site to meet someone to spend the rest of your life with.

Time-wasters . The people who email for weeks and never meet up; they’re just passing time sitting on their computers. Or the people who reply, night after night, with short answers… “I’m ok, how are you?” “What you been up to?”

Social Isolation . You realise you never make the effort to go out with your friends and family anymore.

Scruffs . Your date turns up looking as though they haven’t bothered about their appearance, even though you have spent the last hour and a half making sure you look your best because he/she might be ‘The One!’

Friends with Benefits . And lastly, the men or women who meet you, charm you, you get on well with, and they announce at the end of the night all they want is a sex buddy!”

* * * * *

afriendlyfacelogoCarol meets with members of A Friendly Face more than once, to get to know them and the things they value about a relationship.

The agency has members from all parts of the UK including Scotland, and believes that love isn’t necessarily found on your doorstep.

http://www.afriendlyface.co.uk

@CarolFace12

What do you think? Do you agree with Carol? Have you had any disappointing experiences with internet dating? Would you like some coaching in how to date smarter? I’d love to hear from you.

02.21.15
by

8 Ways to Babyproof your Relationship .. after the arrival

“The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another conversation tomorrow” . Unknown

babynewsmWhen your baby is born it may feel like it’s your birthday, with lots of attention, gifts and well wishers, but the reality is that looking after a new baby can be hard on your relationship as well as on you individually.

Children are both the best and hardest challenge for a couple, they bring joy and love as well as frustration, anxiety and test parents to their limits. Amidst all this it’s easy to lose track of what brought them here in the first place, your relationship.

Once your baby arrives it’s important to look after yourselves, not just for your own sakes but everyone in the family:

  • Take time out to talk, listen and to have fun together
  • Make time for each of you to be alone, hang out with friends and remember what it’s like to be you, not mum or dad
  • Be flexible, and be prepared to change your approach as your child’s needs develop
  • Be realistic about what you can manage .. Simplify, simplify, simplify!!
  • Avoid being territorial about the baby, share with your partner even if they do things differently to you
  • Be each other’s cheerleaders and point out successes at least once a day
  • Keep an eye on each other to watch for signs of postnatal depression or other indications that you’re finding the adjustment tough
  • Find outside sources of support in your community or online, like mumsnet or http://newdadsnetwork.com to help you through this time

And above all don’t give up, if you feel you need additional help with your relationship contact a specialist relationship counselling organization like Relate or a qualified private relationship counsellor.

—

With thanks for much of this material to Elizabeth Martyn, whose book Babyshock, is one of a series of books by Relate on maintaining happy and healthy relationships.

babynewWhat do you think? Have you been given any really useful advice about becoming a parent? Are you finding things difficult and would appreciate a confidential place to talk about it?

Get in touch using the form below or using my contact details.

02.12.15
by

TESTIMONIALS

client testimonials

I feel fortunate to work with each and every one of my clients Seeing people leave after their final session feeling more at ease is incredibly rewarding.

I don’t ask my clients for testimonials but every now and then I’m lucky enough to receive some beautiful thank you cards and gifts, so here’s a look, with some bits removed for reasons of confidentiality:

November 2025: “We wouldn’t be where we are today if it wasn’t for our work with you and we are in a much better place now. [..] is now a huge advocate for therapy and we would recommend you to anyone who needs it.”

November 2025: “Thanks again for everything, I definitely got an awful lot out of it and really valued all of your advice and guidance.”

November 2025: “I feel like I can trust Armele with my most private matters because she does not judge. Very professional. Thank you.”

November 2025: “I was very grateful to you for your time, wisdom and experience – thank you.”

August 2025: “Once again, thank you for all of your help with S, the girls and me. You have really changed my outlook on life. Here’s to the next fifty years!”

March 2025: “I’m really so grateful for the time and expertise you have given me, and the care. Talking to you and having you gently guide me through my feelings in such a gentle, generous and supportive way is something quite new for me, and as vulnerable as it is for me to expose myself in this way I feel very lucky that it was with you.”

March 2025: “I just wanted to drop a note to say thank you again. I truly value and appreciate the time we spent together and the changes I am feeling within myself.”

January 2025: “Thank you .. for the remarkably helpful therapy that I have received from you, the fruits of which I feel .. that it has brought me some transformative help. I will certainly have no hesitation in recommending you to anybody, family, friends or the many people who come across my paths through my own work. You’re a great therapist and I can understand how you get a lot from the work that you do and the positive, healing difference it makes in people’s lives.”

January 2025 .. “I just want to reiterate how extremely helpful these sessions have been for me. As I said yesterday there are days when my emotions are still in turmoil but the advice .. has got me through the last month and made me mentally stronger. So thank you personally from me.”

December 2024 .. “I really really appreciate all the help you have given. Thanks.”

July 2024 .. “Our sessions together have made ’the’ difference in my processing of the last nine months. I’m in a much better place now.”

February 2024 .. “Just wanted to take the opportunity to say how much the work we did together last year helped .. Because of the insight, awareness, understanding and acceptance I achieved I was able to respond well and be present .. Not at all straightforward, of course, but really did equip me with what I needed to do the right thing, on my terms .. Made a difficult time considerably less difficult than it might of otherwise been.”

January 2024 .. “Thanks so much Armele. Working with you has been invaluable, you are absolutely brilliant at what you do.”

June 2023 .. “I just wanted to thank you again for your kindness, words of wisdom and patience. I will be forever grateful for the part you played in my journey. At times it has felt very scary and an almost impossible task but you your non judgmental and solid guidance has helped set me back on my path towards a brighter future.”

March 2023 .. “I’ve been in a significantly better, more measured mental state following our last round of counselling. It’s like night and day! It’s been an absolute pleasure to work with you and I can’t recommend you enough. If there’s any way that I can promote you in the counselling world let me know. Of course if I know of anyone who needs support I would recommend you immediately.”

September 2022 .. “Thank you for helping me find ME again. I have gained confidence, strength and courage I never knew I had. [..] You are a diamond.

May 2022 .. “Thanks so much for all your support and gentle guidance, it’s been so helpful and has given me a lot of hope for the future.”

March 2022 .. “I really benefited from my sessions with you and truly feel as though I have a better understanding and more control over my thoughts and emotions, so thank you for that. I’ll also definitely keep you in mind if ever a friend or family members is in need.”

March 2022 .. “Just wanted to say thank you again for all your help and guidance.”

February 2022 .. “Deciding to get help with you back in 2019 was honestly one of the best decisions of my life, it’s been transformative. If anyone ever needs help like I have I genuinely couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather recommend. Right now I’m doing pretty well but if I’m ever in need again I will be in touch.”

November 2021 .. “I wanted to thank you for all your help these last few months. Your support has been so important for my recovery.“

June 2021 .. “I will always treasure and be grateful for the many gifts and strategies you have given me over the years. Above all you have shown me how to love myself. Thank you.”

March 2021 .. “I have found our conversations useful and although [redacted] hasn’t been there like we’d planned, you have provided new ideas and approaches which I greatly appreciate.”

February 2021 .. “Armele has a relaxed and friendly manner and I found it easy to talk to her. I have been experiencing a difficult time and she has helped me to get through this by being a good listener, asking appropriate questions and helping me to reframe issues.”

January 2021 .. “I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all your support this year. You have quite literally turned my life around. Thanks to you I feel happier, more confident and in control of my anxiety.  Our sessions have helped me to enjoy this precious time of being a new mum and to live happily in the moment with my little family. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly express my gratitude for that. I hope you appreciate and feel proud of the amazing impact your work has on people’s lives. “

January 2021 .. “Talking to you .. helped me so much last year. Thank you again Armele for all of your help.”

December 2020 .. “You have been such a powerful and positive help to me. My relationship .. is on a stronger, clearer, and more mutually loving basis. We are both grateful for your care and support in holding us both. You were also helpful to me personally and I am so pleased we chose you as our counsellor. Thank you.”

December 2020 .. “You don’t know how often I think to myself ‘what would Armele ask/say’.  It really works as in general although things have been challenging I’m recognizing if I’m going downhill and can turn things around .. thanks for your help in turning my life around. The difference to me and the family is felt every day and I love that!”

December 2020 .. “Lots of things we worked on have had lasting effects. Obviously life has its bumps (especially at the moment), but I do feel I have a better perspective on life and my relationship .. Thank you very much for your help with this. If I have further challenges, you would be my first choice for help.”

August 2020 .. “Hi Armele, Thank you so much for all your help, we both appreciate it massively.”

April 2020 .. “Thank you again for all your help .. our sessions really feel like they represented a turning point for me. Personally I am feeling much more confident and settled in myself. I feel more like the choices I make are within my control and am more confident about ‘being myself’ within that. I was reflecting the other day how I would have been feeling .. and it made me realise how much stronger and happier I am now – much more able to cope with the unexpected and change. Thank you so much again for all your help.“

March 2020 .. “Thank you very much for your email .. I am finding your observations and questions very thought provoking and insightful. I think I feel our emails are an important support to my life because you make me think, reflect on important aspects you observe.“

October 2019 .. “Thank you for .. our work together .. I will work on consolidating the work we’ve been doing .. Thanks again for everything.”

July 2019 .. “Thank you for all your understanding and help you have given me over the last few weeks.”

July 2019 .. “Thanks Armele! The sessions have been really helpful.”

March 2019 .. “Thank you very much for everything it’s much appreciated.”

December 2018 .. “A huge thanks for the care, compassion and skill you have shown me.”

December 2018 ..“Thank you for being my ghosts of Christmas past, present and future!”

December 2018 .. “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done .. for helping me find my light.”

November 2018 .. “We found the counselling helpful and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend you.”

October 2018 .. “Thanks for all your help.”

May 2018 .. “Armelle. Appreciate your help. Thanks again.”

March 2018 .. “Thank you for all your support over the last few months. I couldn’t have got where I am now without you!”

December 2017 .. “Thank you for helping me to become a better person.”

May 2017 .. “I believe that my sessions have been very helpful and I am in a better place to move forward in my relationships.”

April 2017 .. “Many thanks Armele”

February 2017 ..“Thank you so much for all your help. I couldn’t of done it without you.”

December 2016 .. “I just wanted to say thank you for all your help, support and guidance over the past year or so. Thank you for believing in me.”

July 2016 .. “Dear Armele, Thank you for being a rock to me! I cannot thank you enough for helping me see beyond unfairness, through obstacles and among good and not so good memories!”

June 2016 .. “I want to take the opportunity to say a HUGE thank you .. You’ve no idea what a massive difference you’ve made in my life. I thought really carefully about what we discussed & you made me that much braver .. My kids have noticed a marked difference in terms of how I deal with situations & I just feel so much better all-round .. I just want to say how grateful I am for your time.”

May 2015 .. “I wanted to write something to explain how thankful I am for all the help given me, now that my need for it has come to an end. The impact our sessions have had on me has been enormous. .. I hold you in such high regard as you are .. an outstanding practitioner.”

April 2015 .. “I can’t thank you enough for all of your help and support .. I put everything in place that you suggested and followed your Action Plan and we made some very positive steps and progress this weekend.”

March 2015 .. “Talking has been really helpful, thank you.”

February 2015 .. “To Armele, thank you for all your support over the last few months. I couldn’t have got where I am now without you!”

December 2014 .. “Thank you for being there for me and listening when I needed it.”

March 2014 .. “Dear Armele, thank you so very much for all your help, understanding and kindness. Thank you for being my councillor, but most of all, thank you for being my friend.”

* * *

01.25.15
by

4 Way to Babyproof your relationship .. before the birth

‘The greatest thing you can do for your children, is love your partner’ . Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

babybumpsmImagine someone moved in with you, and your partner fell deeply in love with them?

To make things even worse this person screamed every 3 hours day and night, demanded food and took your hard earned money?

Children are both the best and hardest challenge for a couple, they bring joy and love as well as frustration, anxiety and test parents to their limits. Amidst all this it’s easy to lose track of what brought them here in the first place, your relationship.

Whether you chose to become pregnant or not, parenthood is a shared adventure, and it’s a good idea to prepare for it together as much as you can now, while you have the time and energy to devote to it.

  • Take time out to talk about your expectations and assumptions about how things might change in your lives, you may be surprised!
  • Above all practice listening, listen and listen some more!
  • Some things to think and talk about might be: sex, lifestyle, holidays, time together, wider family contact, time for intimacy, how you manage money, work, finding support outside your couple, childcare, any worries about the birth and becoming a parent you might have.
  • What might you have to give up and what do you hope to gain by becoming parents? What are your individual and couple goals and how will having a child affect them in the coming years? What changes can you manage before the birth and what needs to be put off?

If you find talking about these issues difficult you can seek support from a specialist relationship counsellor who will help you, either as a couple or on your own, to prepare for the changes ahead.

—

With thanks for much of this material to Elizabeth Martyn, whose book Babyshock, is one of a series of books by Relate on maintaining happy and healthy relationships.

babybumplg

What do you think? Have you been given any really useful advice about becoming a parent? Are you worried about the challenge ahead?

Get in touch using the form below or using my contact details.

01.13.15
by

Babyproof your Relationship

Becoming parents is a marvellous time for many couples, and for others it can be rough, even leading to relationship breakdown.

birth and baby basics The lovely Janine Rudin over at Birth and Baby Basics asked me to write a couple of articles on preparing your relationship for the birth, as well as ideas on how to manage things afterwards.

Janine is an inspiring antenatal teacher, doula, baby massage instructor and postnatal educator, who’s been providing a unique combination of professional support and services from pregnancy through to life as a young family on Tyneside since 2008.

I’m lucky enough to be a mother, but when my baby arrived it was by no means plain sailing. At times it felt like my husband, new baby and I were in a tiny boat on very stormy seas. We had very little support close by at that time and I suffered from post-natal depression. Eventually my marriage broke down, which at the time was really tough, but gave me the motivation to heal, as well as learn how to help others who might be in a similar position.

Go and take a look at Janine’s fab Birth and Baby Basics website and see what I wrote here .. and here.

——————————-

I would love to hear what you think about becoming a parent? Did you struggle? Any tips? Any hopes or worries you’d like to share?

Do get in touch by Commenting below or using my Contact details to speak direct.

11.12.14
by

Parenting after Separation

In today’s guest article Lauren Gasser, from the relationships organisation OnePlusOne, suggests tips for parenting with an ex partner.

For many, the initial months following a separation or divorce are some of the most painful and difficult they will experience. When you add children to the equation, it can be difficult to cope with day-to-day life, let alone the enormous task of orchestrating shared childcare arrangements for the next five, 10 or 15 years.

happy baby girl child outdoors in the park in autumnIn this haze of hurt feelings and self-doubt, the term co-parenting may be hard to accept – yet another thing that you aren’t doing right – but in reality it is just a way of helping you communicate better with your ex about the important decisions in your child’s life. Whether you are at the beginning of this difficult process, or right in the thick of it, these six steps to successful co-parenting can help you ensure that your health, and that of your children, remains paramount.

Don’t create a ‘villain’ – There may be a rage burning inside you that’s hotter than a thousand suns, but there is never a good reason to share that rage with your children. You might have excellent reason to be angry with your ex partner, and you are well within your rights to both feel and express those emotions, but there is a time and a place, far away from little impressionable ears. By criticising or blaming their other parent you are only punishing your child; they will always love their Mum and Dad, and the healthier their relationship is with both of you, the healthier and happier they will be. Even if you think your ex is a ‘bad parent’, it is your responsibility to support and encourage that relationship, for the sake of your kids.

iStock_000026753240MediumUse a parenting plan – There are a number of different kinds of parenting plans available, but OnePlusOne’s free online service, Splitting Up? Put Kids First, is particularly effective for those finding it difficult to communicate. The plan is completely customisable, and can be accessed anytime, via your phone, tablet or computer. Use their suggested categories as a guide (finances, holidays, living arrangements) and create your own as new circumstances arise. You can choose to keep this plan as your own personal guide, or share it with your ex in the hope of amalgamating your preferences and reaching a compromise. With access to helpful videos, articles and discussion groups, this is a great place to start on the road to co-parenting.

Talk to friends and family – As highlighted in Step 1, it is completely natural to feel angry, depressed, guilty, jealous, insecure, and a dozen other extreme emotions at this time, even if you are sure you have made the right decision. While keeping conflict away from your children, it is really important that you share your feelings with someone, and take as long as you need to grieve for the relationship you have lost. For some this might mean seeing a professional counsellor, for others it will mean making an extra effort to see friends and family and being really honest about your feelings. Crying, shouting and dramatically tearing up photographs is OK! They will understand. Bottling things up, or punishing yourself for your emotions, will only make matters worse. Own your feelings – they are nothing to be ashamed of.

Be kind to yourself – So often we forget to look after ourselves, and extend the same kindness to our own bodies and minds that we do to those we care for. Whether you enjoy a long hot bath, a game of golf, or a fancy meal, it’s really important that you give yourself a break and a ‘treat’ when going through a difficult time. Treats like nine pints, family-sized chocolate bars and expensive shopping channel sprees are not ideal – this is about caring for yourself, in the same considerate way that you care for your children.

Compromise for everyone’s sake – Co-parenting is not a competition and sometimes, as with any relationship, you might have to agree to a decision that was not your first choice. Anger, resentment and pride can make separated parents feel as though they must fight to the death over every detail of childcare arrangements, but if you always put the needs of the children first, then these disagreements can usually be turned into compromises. If there is something that you absolutely cannot agree on, you could try to suggest a completely new option, one that neither of you feels ownership over. Remember that your parenting plan is not set in stone, and things will change and grow over time, so agreeing to a less than ideal arrangement now is not necessarily permanent.

Take a deep breath – When emotions are running this high, it can be almost impossible to hear someone else’s point of view over the sound of your own teeth grinding, but you have to really listen to your ex partner in order to make the best possible decisions for your kids. The above mentioned parenting plan has some useful videos to help improve communication during difficult conversations. You can also try the ‘uninterrupted’ technique, in which you each have a few minutes to speak while the other person stays completely silent and listens. This is often easier said than done, but actively listening instead of concocting your comeback allows for a much more frank and constructive discussion so that you and your ex can settle the issue at hand and move forward.

Though these steps are a guide, nobody is perfect, and we all hit speed-bumps during difficult times. Forgive yourself freely for (often self-identified) mistakes made along the way, and try to remember that things will get better in time, especially if you and your ex partner focus on your children’s future instead of what has happened in the past.

OnePlusOne is a UK research charitythat creates resources to strengthen relationships.

– – – – – – – – – – – –

Are you co-parenting with an ex, or someone you’ve never been in a relationship with? Share your thoughts below or get in touch direct.

11.01.14
by

Gratitude

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

William Arthur Ward

Something often missing with couples who are experiencing difficulties is gratitude. It’s easy to take for granted all the little things our partners do for us every day and focus on the things they do wrong, the dishes in the sink, the unmended cupboard door .. but what if we take a moment to think about all the things they are doing right?

Since 2000 scientists have been finding that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:

Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure
More joy, optimism, and happiness
Feeling less lonely and isolated

Gratitude has two key components: firstly it reminds us that there are gifts and benefits we’re consistently receiving from our partner and those around us.

Robert Emmons, perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, writes “I see it as a relationship-strengthening emotion, because it requires us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people.”

The second part of practising gratitude is to express it, to acknowledge the other people who give us so many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives each day.

November is Gratitude Month, and I will be marking each day of this month by keeping a gratitude journal, noting down something different each day and meditating on it.

To start your gratitude practise, take just a few minutes each day to think of at least one thing you’re grateful to your partner for .. take note, some days this will be easier than others! ;-D

Once you’ve got this down find creative ways to let your partner know how much you appreciate what they do .. a hug and a thank you, or a note left in their lunch box to find at work?

This can also be a good exercise when you’re frustrated with your spouse and about to explode! Take some time out to remember what they do for you, and when you’re ready to face them start off by reminding them how much they do, before letting them know that broken cupboard door is driving you crazy!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I love to hear what you think about the topics raised in my blog, and how you apply these in your life. Do leave Comments below or get in touch using my Contact details.

 

10.23.14
by

Blocked , Shocked & Hurt ? ( facebook break-ups )

Great points .. I hear so many people talking about their agony about post break-up Facebook activity. Although on a more positive point some people using Facebook to facilitate honesty in their relationship .. like all tech, it’s how humans use it that makes the difference ..

Soul 57's avatarSepiamagazineonline.net

It’s funny how quickly we can form relationships. A Facebook friend inexplicably blocked me and I was affected by it in my ” real ” life , actually hurt and disappointed. Maybe It was because he was bi-racial and gay and he misunderstood what I was trying to say, about race, sexuality and life .

People choose to a certain extent how they wish to live, of course it depends on the environment that nurtured them in the first place. Family, school, the media and everything else comes together and molds the raw personality. And you get what you plant.

I don’t hate white people I don’t trust them. The American people of influence are master manipulators, they in general tend to be white, those black people that follow this same ethic are in general blacks who have wholeheartedly embraced the colonial fathers definition of the world and how to…

View original post 280 more words

10.15.14
by

So .. When Should I Have Sex?

“Making love” is based on the feminine principle of a relationship; the relationship is built on friendship and expressed through sex. “Getting laid” is based on the masculine principle of sharing sexual gratification with a friendly partner.”

– Dr. Patricia Allen

How to have the BEST SEX of your life

Sex. A topic that humans have been interested in since  the beginning of time. Something that happens each and every day.

And yet there is so much confusion about sex. Who to have sex with, when to have sex, am I getting enough sex? And if you get this right the answers will lead to the best sex of your life.

You deserve to have a soulmate whom you love and who loves you. A relationship with passion, and where there’s a real connection.

Oxytocin addict

Oxytocin is a hormone that is released by the pituitary gland when women make love which encourages you to bond to your partner. Oxytocin also helps you relax, reduce blood pressure and lower cortisol levels.

So far so good .. but if you’re tempted to take this shortcut before you’re sure that your partner is worthy of your trust, beware the consequences of feeling bonded to the wrong person, it can literally feel like being addicted! And the pain of splitting up after bonding with the wrong person is horrendous.

Protect yourself from unnecessary pain

Don’t forget, you don’t need sex to stimulate oxytocin. Actions that convey emotional messages of kindness, caring and love also help to release the oxytocin hormone and make you feel good. John Gray writes at length about how women can take responsibility for their own oxytocin levels and avoid feeling the temptation to sleep with someone just to get a quick ‘fix’

How to tell it’s time for the best sex of your life

Great sex is about connection at a deep level with someone who shares your values and cherishes you as a human being. In order to find out if this is the right person to take this step with you can ask yourself the following questions:

What are my fundamental values – what qualities am I looking for in a relationship and a potential life partner? What 5 qualities are absolutely non-negotiable and what am I willing to overlook if these are present?

How long have I known this person? Do I really know and accept them – their good and not so good qualities, their values and foibles?

Can we have honest conversations about making love – past experiences, what we know we like, what we know we don’t like, our sexual aspirations in this relationship, our sexual health?

Do I trust them – have I experienced them being truthful, willing to be vulnerable and taking responsibility in this relationship?

Will making love with this person nourish and sustain me over time, not just for tonight?

Am I truly ready to take this step?

Here is the key to your happiness

We all have different values and opinions when it comes to when is the right time to make love – some people feel this is only after marriage, some feel otherwise. The danger of waiting until after marriage is that people sometimes make the mistake of getting married so they can have sex and become ‘grown up’, when actually this behaviour betrays their immaturity.

The only guide I can give to save you heartache is to take as much time as you need to look within yourself and ask the questions above. To be honest with your partner about what you are doing and to hear their response with acceptance and understanding.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I love to get your feedback and would be delighted to hear your views on sex and when the right time is for you .. get in touch using the Comments box below or have a look at my Contact details.